sunday nights at walmart

it seems like every sunday night, i wind up in a walmart. and every sunday night, i know exactly what to expect. to be there for at least an hour, to buy a gallon of milk and some peanut butter. the reason im there for an hour, is because apparantly walmart management takes sunday as a “day of rest” very seriously. thats the only explanation for why they have two employees working the entire store at 10 oclock.

ive come to expect on this sunday night trip, that i will inevitably wind up in line behind people with fruit that has no sku code, a guy who needs a price check on a pencil (that is impossible to find in the system, so it takes a trip to that aisle for the cashier), and a lady with more than one basket full of enough food and supplies to start an orphanage. if im lucky, i will only be behind about 5-8 customers in the single checkout lane that is open.

assuming i wait it out, i can guarantee you that by the time the orphange lady is next with me 2nd in line, the other walmart employee on duty will open up the register next to me. of course, the 9 people behind me in line who havent waited as long as i have, flock over to that register. if i were to follow, i would be in the back of the line, right back where i started. this is where it gets tricky.

if i stay in my lane, there is no doubt, that the cashier in the other lane doubles as a courtroom stenographer, and she has the 8 customers checked out before they can even get all the way up to the register. this is always enjoyable because i love watching the lane of 8 people file through and head out the door while im stuck next in line as the ladys total is rising above $500.

my other option would be heading over to the new lane, to get further back in the new line, in hopes that line would go quicker. seems like a viable option for “next time” everytime i stay in the original lane. well lets just say ive made the mistake of changing lanes more than once, and probably for the last time. if you ever leave your lane, in hopes of going to a faster moving lane, you are guaranteed to have the mentally handicapped door greeter who was called to a register to help check out. if this does happen, forget a decent nights sleep, unless you nap in walmart for the next hour. and i would advise never looking back to your original lane, because its almost like your presence in that lane, was inhibiting the abilities of the cashier and the orphanage lady. so now, while you are sitting here 5 deep watching your cashier put stickers on his helmet, orphanage lady and the other cashier are double teaming the order like they are trying to beat a deadline. ive seen these people juggle 15 items and each one scans as it goes from one hand to the other. orphanage lady is squatting down holding 5 bags open with 2 hands, catching every item the cashier is throwing to her, all while calling balls and strikes. turns out before her operation, she was a catcher for the new york mets.

at this point, each and every time, i say i will never go back to walmart on a sunday night. but every sunday night, my boring lonely life, makes me end up right back in the same spot. they just finished building a target right down the road from my house. cant wait for it to open.

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